Theory Of Nothing

or Just Theory

This Gangbang Is So Awkward

Oh man. How did I talk myself into this? This was not a good idea.

What am I supposed to be doing right now? Should I be doing something? She looks pretty occupied currently. She’s already handling three dudes. I guess I’ll just stand here and stroke it some more. Keep your head together Mike. Your time will come. Man this gangbang is awkward!

This seemed like it would be awesome. It always looked so cool in the videos. But all this waiting and watching is really uncomfortable.

I figured I’d just sort of fall into a natural rhythm and find my groove, but I’ve gotta admit that I am really perplexed as to the proper gangbang protocol here.

Whoa. She just looked at me. Does that mean she wants me to come up there so she can suck me off? Maybe that’s what she’s indicating. But what if she didn’t mean that? What if I go up there and shove my junk in her face and she doesn’t want anything to do with it? I’d look like a real horse’s ass then. I’d better just wait here.

Man this guy’s taking a long time. Come on dude, who are you trying to impress here? There are other guys waiting.

Look at that guy’s penis! It’s way bigger then mine. Thicker at least. I hope I don’t have to follow him. She won’t even know I’m in there.

Oh man, he caught me staring at it. Well that’s just great. Now he’s gonna think I’m queer. I’m not queer man. I’m just a little self conscious. God this is awkward.

It’s too hot in here.

These guys are all saying sexy things to her. I’m the only one who’s not talking dirty. I should say something so that they don’t think I’m lame. Here goes….

“Yeah, you like that bitch!”

Shit. That was stupid. Now everyone’s looking at me like I’m some misogynistic asshole.

I am an asshole. Why did I have to say the most cliché, demeaning thing I could think of? Like I need to remind her that she “likes that”. Smooth move dumbass.

I wonder why she’s doing this. I’ll bet she had a bad childhood. She probably lacked a strong paternal figure in her life.

Damn it. Now I’m half mast. Now I look like the guy that can’t keep it up. Concentrate Mike. Stop psychoanalyzing and keep your mind on the sex.

Okay here we go, that guy’s done. About time. Should I go now? I’ve waited long enough, I’m going in there.

Damn it. The Italian guy beat me to it. I was here way before the Italian guy. How are we determining who’s turn it is here anyways? Was there some sign up sheet I missed or something? Damn it.

Steady Mike old boy. There’s plenty for everyone. Just wait it out. Deep breaths.

I hope no one tries to go anal when I’m taking my turn. I’m not real cool with my stuff touching another guy’s stuff. And I think that would be unavoidable. That would be really awkward.

Something in here stinks. Is that me? I hope it’s not me. Oh man, I hope it’s not her! Wait, no, it’s the Italian guy. Thank God.

Okay, time to make your move Mike. I’ve gotta get in there and mix it up. Other wise I’m that creep at the gangbang who’s just watching and beating off. You’ve gotta be in it to win it. Okay here goes.

Wait, what’s going on? Everyone’s finishing off on her! We’re climaxing already? We just got started! I haven’t even gone yet!

Okay stay calm Mike. No one knows that. Just finish yourself off so that you’re not the odd man out.

Well this was great. This was just great. A red letter day in my sad sexual history. And what am I supposed to do now? Do we all hang around for a while and talk about it? Where should I clean up?

God this is awkward.

Presented in Look At My Striped Shirt! Confessions Of The People You Love To Hate, by the Phat Phree.


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Thursday, 10 July 2008 Posted by | Internet, Literature, Pop Culture | 3 Comments

Free Rice

Word play for Free Rice now:

  • Click on the answer that best defines the word.
  • If you get it right, you get a harder word. If wrong, you get an easier word.

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Saturday, 24 November 2007 Posted by | Internet, Literature | Leave a comment

The Continental as Radical Difference

During a very recently drawn-out discussion, I was finally informed, with not just a small amount of bemused exasperation, that I, “write in the continental way… emphasis on con.” 

The discussion was on radical difference.

Quod erat demonstradum.

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Saturday, 24 November 2007 Posted by | PhD, Theory | Leave a comment

Self-contradiction according to the law of non-contradiction

I’ve been scrutinizing this list with relish:

Self-contradicting words in English

Totally stress-relieving.

PS. If you do not get it, please refer back to my shrinking sense of humour.

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Thursday, 1 November 2007 Posted by | PhD, Theory | Leave a comment

Consume consummate consumerism

This is belated, seeing that the Mid-Autumn Festival has come and gone, with the Theoretician Of Nothing having already gobbled down all sorts of imaginable mooncakes from Raffles Stamford the Plaza Hotel, Goodwood Park Hotel, Ritz-Carlton Hotel, Marina Mandarin Hotel, Shangri-La Hotel, Sheraton Hotel, Peninsula Hotel in Hong Kong, Habour City Restaurant, Home’s Favourite, etc.

Such consumption is surely remarkable.

So, Theory Of Nothing indeed belatedly remarks on the remarkable mooncakes of consummate consumerism. Here is the figurative made literal made figurative, for the Asian consumers of Western cellphone giant, Nokia – mooncakes in the forms of Nokia cell phones:


Like I said, remarkable.


PS. From what I understand, these were only available in Taiwan, Starbucks. Please leave a comment if you know where else they could have been bought.

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Tuesday, 9 October 2007 Posted by | Pop Culture | Leave a comment

More of the same but different…


… and that is why I’m still at Chapter 1, 24 500 words, footnote 237.

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Tuesday, 9 October 2007 Posted by | Comic, PhD | Leave a comment

Some serious swearing

I proudly announce that I have managed to write FCUK into my dissertation. I also solemnly swear that it is seriously academic.

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Friday, 7 September 2007 Posted by | PhD | Leave a comment

Shot by Coffee

Stōk is black coffee shot and sweet black coffee shot sold in creamer cups. Each serving of Stōk contains 40mg of caffeine, the equivalent of a shot of espresso.

stok_product_reg_big.jpg stok_product_sweet_big.jpg

Scrooge academics, this is what you need to stock up on instead of paying extra for more shots at your preferred coffee place. Stōk’s limit warning is 2 servings per day, but as academics – especially as academics stuck at tedious conferences, or worse still, as academics trapped with marking undergraduates’ papers – 2 servings will be just barely enough to keep your brain from freezing over due to boredom. So, stock up Stōk!

PS. Shall I order massive amounts of Stōk online to give to my coffee-addicted supervisor? Some goodwill never goes awry, especially when you’re that low on the academic foodchain as a graduate student. But will I wake up one morning to find the scary men from Singapore customs (I am wired by a consistent and permanent sense of guilt which undoubtedly explains my instinctive and irrational fear of authority) knocking on my door to interrogate my import of what they may categorize as potential substances of abuse?

(Link to order Stōk)

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Thursday, 6 September 2007 Posted by | PhD, Pop Culture | 2 Comments

The Coffee Guide to Academia

While the species of graduate students are mostly powered by coffee – their level of (dys)functionality corresponds directly to the amount of caffeine they manage to down (only holdbacks being a small bladder as well as dissertations and supervisors related hallucinations), I belong to the rare breed of non-coffee drinker. However, as a theoretical tribute to my status as graduate student, here are some fittingly and necessarily also theoretical infographics on coffee.

Espresso [e-spres-oh]

Just espresso, this is the preferred poison of real philosophers who can take it as it is.

Cappuccino [kap-oo-chee-noh]

1/3 espresso, 1/3 steamed milk, 1/3 foam, this is the brew for the rest of the plebian academics who need it sweetened down and foamed up.

Café Latte [caf-ay lah-tey]

Espresso with mostly steamed milk and just a thin layer of foam, this is coffee for pretentious pop culture theorists.

Café Mocha [caf-ay moh-kuh]

Espresso and steamed milk sweetend as much as you can with chocolate syrup, then fluffed up prettily with a dollop of whipped cream, only pseudo academics would be clueless enough to drink it.

(Link where you can find more infographics on other coffee drinks out there)

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Friday, 31 August 2007 Posted by | PhD, Pop Culture | Leave a comment

PhD measured in Crush Time

You know how every graduate student has a crush on his/her supervisor?

I had a crush on my supervisor which ran through quite a number of years before it slowly exhausted itself, petering off into very decent respect for the other as well as some occassional eye-rolling at the other’s idiosyncracies which I’m grown to be familiar with.

Then I developed another crush on another supervisor. Uh-hmm. Uh-hmm. Teeheehee.

2 protracted crushes, 1 still running its course – that’s how long I’ve been doing this. And I’m still at Chapter 1, 18,000 words, footnote 164.

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Wednesday, 29 August 2007 Posted by | PhD | 3 Comments