Theory Of Nothing

or Just Theory

This Gangbang Is So Awkward

Oh man. How did I talk myself into this? This was not a good idea.

What am I supposed to be doing right now? Should I be doing something? She looks pretty occupied currently. She’s already handling three dudes. I guess I’ll just stand here and stroke it some more. Keep your head together Mike. Your time will come. Man this gangbang is awkward!

This seemed like it would be awesome. It always looked so cool in the videos. But all this waiting and watching is really uncomfortable.

I figured I’d just sort of fall into a natural rhythm and find my groove, but I’ve gotta admit that I am really perplexed as to the proper gangbang protocol here.

Whoa. She just looked at me. Does that mean she wants me to come up there so she can suck me off? Maybe that’s what she’s indicating. But what if she didn’t mean that? What if I go up there and shove my junk in her face and she doesn’t want anything to do with it? I’d look like a real horse’s ass then. I’d better just wait here.

Man this guy’s taking a long time. Come on dude, who are you trying to impress here? There are other guys waiting.

Look at that guy’s penis! It’s way bigger then mine. Thicker at least. I hope I don’t have to follow him. She won’t even know I’m in there.

Oh man, he caught me staring at it. Well that’s just great. Now he’s gonna think I’m queer. I’m not queer man. I’m just a little self conscious. God this is awkward.

It’s too hot in here.

These guys are all saying sexy things to her. I’m the only one who’s not talking dirty. I should say something so that they don’t think I’m lame. Here goes….

“Yeah, you like that bitch!”

Shit. That was stupid. Now everyone’s looking at me like I’m some misogynistic asshole.

I am an asshole. Why did I have to say the most cliché, demeaning thing I could think of? Like I need to remind her that she “likes that”. Smooth move dumbass.

I wonder why she’s doing this. I’ll bet she had a bad childhood. She probably lacked a strong paternal figure in her life.

Damn it. Now I’m half mast. Now I look like the guy that can’t keep it up. Concentrate Mike. Stop psychoanalyzing and keep your mind on the sex.

Okay here we go, that guy’s done. About time. Should I go now? I’ve waited long enough, I’m going in there.

Damn it. The Italian guy beat me to it. I was here way before the Italian guy. How are we determining who’s turn it is here anyways? Was there some sign up sheet I missed or something? Damn it.

Steady Mike old boy. There’s plenty for everyone. Just wait it out. Deep breaths.

I hope no one tries to go anal when I’m taking my turn. I’m not real cool with my stuff touching another guy’s stuff. And I think that would be unavoidable. That would be really awkward.

Something in here stinks. Is that me? I hope it’s not me. Oh man, I hope it’s not her! Wait, no, it’s the Italian guy. Thank God.

Okay, time to make your move Mike. I’ve gotta get in there and mix it up. Other wise I’m that creep at the gangbang who’s just watching and beating off. You’ve gotta be in it to win it. Okay here goes.

Wait, what’s going on? Everyone’s finishing off on her! We’re climaxing already? We just got started! I haven’t even gone yet!

Okay stay calm Mike. No one knows that. Just finish yourself off so that you’re not the odd man out.

Well this was great. This was just great. A red letter day in my sad sexual history. And what am I supposed to do now? Do we all hang around for a while and talk about it? Where should I clean up?

God this is awkward.

Presented in Look At My Striped Shirt! Confessions Of The People You Love To Hate, by the Phat Phree.


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Thursday, 10 July 2008 Posted by | Internet, Literature, Pop Culture | 3 Comments

Free Rice

Word play for Free Rice now:

  • Click on the answer that best defines the word.
  • If you get it right, you get a harder word. If wrong, you get an easier word.

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Saturday, 24 November 2007 Posted by | Internet, Literature | Leave a comment

Who’s fantastic?

This year’s World Fantasy Convention has officially announced the winners of the Life Achievement Award – Diana Wynne Jones! But she won’t be attending the award presentation at this year’s convention held at Saratoga Springs, New York, due to health reasons.

(The other winner is Betty Ballantine and she’ll be attending the award presentation.)


I love Diana Wynne Jones.

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Thursday, 23 August 2007 Posted by | Literature, News | Leave a comment

What about China, Harry Potter?

If the publishers of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows are worried about translation networks where unofficial translations of Harry Potter are posted onto website networks and then onto peer-to-peer networks that derive profit by attracting advertisers, as they claimed, when they considered suing the 16-year-old ardent Harry Potter fan who translated the book into French on his own, what would they feel about the surge of peculiar Chinese imitations?


Here are some of the titles of the various Harry Potter counterfeits that have been circulating in China for the last few years:

Harry Potter and the Leopard-Walk- Up-to-Dragon

Harry Potter and the Chinese Porcelain Doll

Harry Potter and the Waterproof Pearl

Harry Potter and the Half-Blooded Relative Prince

Harry Potter and the Big Funnel

Harry Potter and Platform Nine and Three-Quarters

Harry Potter and the Chinese Overseas Students at the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry

Harry Potter and the Showdown

(Link with hilarious excerpts from the publishers’ summaries)

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Thursday, 16 August 2007 Posted by | Literature, News, Pop Culture | Leave a comment

Belated Pottering

Since Theory Of Nothing has been rather slack in updating lately due to a run in with Microsoft Word’s official stand on footnotes (Codename: Tolerance Level 134), today’s update of belated news shall ironically and aptly be about the need for belatedness, especially in the internet world of instant updates.

Eager to share the 7th and last book of the Harry Potter series with the rest of the Francophones, a 16-year-old French boy magically translated all 759 pages of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows within days of its July 21 release and posted it online. The French teen translator was driven by the fact the official French translation would only be released on October 26 by the publishing house, Gallimard Jeunesse, since the official Harry Potter translator, Jean-Francois Menard, only received the official English version when it was released on July 21.

Author J.K. Rowling’s lawyers say networks of other illegal Potter translators span the world, seeking to profit from the boy wizard’s global appeal. However, the French teen translator, a high school student from Aix-en-Provence in southern France, likely had less sinister intentions. “He just wanted to get the book online” and did not appear to be seeking commercial gain, Aix Prosecutor Olivier Rothe said Wednesday. According to Rother, the boy had apparently compiled the entire translation himself.

Indeed, the French teen translator whose name has been withheld because he is a minor, comes across more as an ardent Harry Potter fan who just wanted to share the 7th and final book of the series with the rest of the Francophones before their fun was thwarted by English spoilers declaring the fate of Harry Potter everywhere. Other French teenagers echo his frustration with the long wait for the official translation. Ketty Do, a 17-year-old, flipping through the English version at a bookstore on the Champs-Elysees, delcared, “To wait three months to have a French version, that is too much!” Do called the teen translator “a courageous person” but added, laughing: “Still, I will wait for the official version, since this kid is only 16.” But 12-year-old Robin Gallaud, looking at video games in the bookstore, had no such reservations. “If I find the French version on the Net, I will read it,” he said.

Although the pirated translation site had since been shut down, the French teen translator still spent a night in jail and faced charges of violating intellectual property rights. It was only after worldwide sentiments appeared to be in sympathy with the boy following a maelstrom of negative publicity that the French publishing house, Gallimard Jeunesse – in consultation with JK Rowling – decided to drop charges.

In fact, many French readers already know how “Harry Potter et les reliques de la mort” – as it is titled here – ends. Le Parisien newspaper revealed it in an article it printed upside down.

So far, the remarkable Harry Potter phenomenon set off by the Harry Potter books can boast of having sold more than 325 million copies worldwide, translated into at least 64 languages and spun off into a hit movie series.

(Link, link)

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Thursday, 16 August 2007 Posted by | Literature, News, Pop Culture | Leave a comment

There’s nothing quite like quoting literature…

… especially two bookends-length of it.


Quote/Unquote Bookends by Eric Janssen

Designed by Eric Janssen, the Quote/Unquote bookends are for the truly literate with books that speak to them in image alone. Concrete core with synthetic rubber exterior.

Dimensions: 2.75” W x 4” D x 6” H
Weight: 2 lbs. each
Price: $89.00 for a pair (USD)


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Tuesday, 7 August 2007 Posted by | Literature, Pop Culture | Leave a comment

Addicted to literature?

A series of books designed to mimic cigarette packs have been launched. TankBooks are of the same size as cigarette packs, packaged in flip-top cartons with silver foil wrapping and sealed in cellophane.


The launch titles are well-known classics of English Literature:

Heart of Darkness, Joseph Conrad
The Undefeated, Ernest Hemingway
The Snows of Kilimanjaro, Ernest Hemingway
The Metamorphosis, Franz Kafka
In the Penal Colony, Franz Kafka
The Man who would be King, Rudyard Kipling
The Phantom Rickshaw, Rudyard Kipling
Black Jack, Rudyard Kipling
Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde, Robert Louis Stevenson
The Death of Ivan Ilych, Leo Tolstoy
Father Sergius, Leo Tolstoy

Try one and you’ll be hooked. After all, these are tales that will take your breath away.


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Tuesday, 7 August 2007 Posted by | Literature, Pop Culture | Leave a comment

The ghost of knowledge


Possessed Books
These antique-looking books seem perfectly harmless until someone walks by, then the middle book slides out toward the victim as if it will fall from the shelf. Books also emit spooky sounds for a totally haunted effect.

Possessed Books
Item No: 82924
Price: $24.98 (USD)


How cool will these be on my bookshelves? Surely they will deter pesky undergrads from knocking on my door asking for consultations? Even just scaring some friends from constantly pilfering my books will be worth it. Hmm.

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Tuesday, 7 August 2007 Posted by | Literature, Pop Culture | Leave a comment

Beat the Spanish

If you really haven’t started reading Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, then you’re far behind the Spanish. Some of Harry Potter’s fans have not only read, but even translated and posted online a Spanish version of the book. It can be downloaded as a PDF or read online in blog format.


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Saturday, 28 July 2007 Posted by | Literature, News, Pop Culture | Leave a comment

Still haven’t read Harry Potter?


Don’t you want to be saved… like the rest of us?

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Saturday, 28 July 2007 Posted by | Comic, Literature, News, Pop Culture | Leave a comment