Theory Of Nothing

or Just Theory

This Gangbang Is So Awkward

Oh man. How did I talk myself into this? This was not a good idea.

What am I supposed to be doing right now? Should I be doing something? She looks pretty occupied currently. She’s already handling three dudes. I guess I’ll just stand here and stroke it some more. Keep your head together Mike. Your time will come. Man this gangbang is awkward!

This seemed like it would be awesome. It always looked so cool in the videos. But all this waiting and watching is really uncomfortable.

I figured I’d just sort of fall into a natural rhythm and find my groove, but I’ve gotta admit that I am really perplexed as to the proper gangbang protocol here.

Whoa. She just looked at me. Does that mean she wants me to come up there so she can suck me off? Maybe that’s what she’s indicating. But what if she didn’t mean that? What if I go up there and shove my junk in her face and she doesn’t want anything to do with it? I’d look like a real horse’s ass then. I’d better just wait here.

Man this guy’s taking a long time. Come on dude, who are you trying to impress here? There are other guys waiting.

Look at that guy’s penis! It’s way bigger then mine. Thicker at least. I hope I don’t have to follow him. She won’t even know I’m in there.

Oh man, he caught me staring at it. Well that’s just great. Now he’s gonna think I’m queer. I’m not queer man. I’m just a little self conscious. God this is awkward.

It’s too hot in here.

These guys are all saying sexy things to her. I’m the only one who’s not talking dirty. I should say something so that they don’t think I’m lame. Here goes….

“Yeah, you like that bitch!”

Shit. That was stupid. Now everyone’s looking at me like I’m some misogynistic asshole.

I am an asshole. Why did I have to say the most cliché, demeaning thing I could think of? Like I need to remind her that she “likes that”. Smooth move dumbass.

I wonder why she’s doing this. I’ll bet she had a bad childhood. She probably lacked a strong paternal figure in her life.

Damn it. Now I’m half mast. Now I look like the guy that can’t keep it up. Concentrate Mike. Stop psychoanalyzing and keep your mind on the sex.

Okay here we go, that guy’s done. About time. Should I go now? I’ve waited long enough, I’m going in there.

Damn it. The Italian guy beat me to it. I was here way before the Italian guy. How are we determining who’s turn it is here anyways? Was there some sign up sheet I missed or something? Damn it.

Steady Mike old boy. There’s plenty for everyone. Just wait it out. Deep breaths.

I hope no one tries to go anal when I’m taking my turn. I’m not real cool with my stuff touching another guy’s stuff. And I think that would be unavoidable. That would be really awkward.

Something in here stinks. Is that me? I hope it’s not me. Oh man, I hope it’s not her! Wait, no, it’s the Italian guy. Thank God.

Okay, time to make your move Mike. I’ve gotta get in there and mix it up. Other wise I’m that creep at the gangbang who’s just watching and beating off. You’ve gotta be in it to win it. Okay here goes.

Wait, what’s going on? Everyone’s finishing off on her! We’re climaxing already? We just got started! I haven’t even gone yet!

Okay stay calm Mike. No one knows that. Just finish yourself off so that you’re not the odd man out.

Well this was great. This was just great. A red letter day in my sad sexual history. And what am I supposed to do now? Do we all hang around for a while and talk about it? Where should I clean up?

God this is awkward.

Presented in Look At My Striped Shirt! Confessions Of The People You Love To Hate, by the Phat Phree.

(Link)

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Thursday, 10 July 2008 Posted by | Internet, Literature, Pop Culture | 3 Comments

Consume consummate consumerism

This is belated, seeing that the Mid-Autumn Festival has come and gone, with the Theoretician Of Nothing having already gobbled down all sorts of imaginable mooncakes from Raffles Stamford the Plaza Hotel, Goodwood Park Hotel, Ritz-Carlton Hotel, Marina Mandarin Hotel, Shangri-La Hotel, Sheraton Hotel, Peninsula Hotel in Hong Kong, Habour City Restaurant, Home’s Favourite, etc.

Such consumption is surely remarkable.

So, Theory Of Nothing indeed belatedly remarks on the remarkable mooncakes of consummate consumerism. Here is the figurative made literal made figurative, for the Asian consumers of Western cellphone giant, Nokia – mooncakes in the forms of Nokia cell phones:

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Like I said, remarkable.

(Link)

PS. From what I understand, these were only available in Taiwan, Starbucks. Please leave a comment if you know where else they could have been bought.

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Tuesday, 9 October 2007 Posted by | Pop Culture | Leave a comment

Shot by Coffee

Stōk is black coffee shot and sweet black coffee shot sold in creamer cups. Each serving of Stōk contains 40mg of caffeine, the equivalent of a shot of espresso.

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Scrooge academics, this is what you need to stock up on instead of paying extra for more shots at your preferred coffee place. Stōk’s limit warning is 2 servings per day, but as academics – especially as academics stuck at tedious conferences, or worse still, as academics trapped with marking undergraduates’ papers – 2 servings will be just barely enough to keep your brain from freezing over due to boredom. So, stock up Stōk!

PS. Shall I order massive amounts of Stōk online to give to my coffee-addicted supervisor? Some goodwill never goes awry, especially when you’re that low on the academic foodchain as a graduate student. But will I wake up one morning to find the scary men from Singapore customs (I am wired by a consistent and permanent sense of guilt which undoubtedly explains my instinctive and irrational fear of authority) knocking on my door to interrogate my import of what they may categorize as potential substances of abuse?

(Link to order Stōk)

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Thursday, 6 September 2007 Posted by | PhD, Pop Culture | 2 Comments

The Coffee Guide to Academia

While the species of graduate students are mostly powered by coffee – their level of (dys)functionality corresponds directly to the amount of caffeine they manage to down (only holdbacks being a small bladder as well as dissertations and supervisors related hallucinations), I belong to the rare breed of non-coffee drinker. However, as a theoretical tribute to my status as graduate student, here are some fittingly and necessarily also theoretical infographics on coffee.

Espresso [e-spres-oh]
espresso.png

Just espresso, this is the preferred poison of real philosophers who can take it as it is.

Cappuccino [kap-oo-chee-noh]
cappuccino.png

1/3 espresso, 1/3 steamed milk, 1/3 foam, this is the brew for the rest of the plebian academics who need it sweetened down and foamed up.

Café Latte [caf-ay lah-tey]
caffe_latte.png

Espresso with mostly steamed milk and just a thin layer of foam, this is coffee for pretentious pop culture theorists.

Café Mocha [caf-ay moh-kuh]
caffe_mocha.png

Espresso and steamed milk sweetend as much as you can with chocolate syrup, then fluffed up prettily with a dollop of whipped cream, only pseudo academics would be clueless enough to drink it.

(Link where you can find more infographics on other coffee drinks out there)

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Friday, 31 August 2007 Posted by | PhD, Pop Culture | Leave a comment

Dolls with even more of a mission

Aptly named artist, J Stocks Dearborn, creates “one of a kind, handsculpted, newborn art dolls” on her equally aptly named online store, My Tangible Peace.

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The artist explains the driving force behind her craft, “I love babies, I always have, they completely amaze me. And when I discovered my passion for sculpting the newborn form I was instantly sucked into the world of dolls.”

Indeed, her newborn dolls are as realistic as you can get. They are anatomically correct, with 10 fingers and 10 toes, wrinkles and creases, and last but not least, light veining. In fact, some even have slight cone-shaped heads and come with clamped umbilical cords. As the artist herself puts it, her newborn dolls are “really just a pint-sized version of the real thing.”

For an estimate of size, Olivia Anne – #157/07, a gender-neutral baby with an ample amount of blonde Mohair, selling for $120 (USD), is 4 inches long.

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Besides the regular miniature dolls, My Tangible Peace also carries life-sized newborn dolls, such as Maxwell Thomas – #165/07, who measures 7 inches long and weighs 5lbs, and “will arrive at his new home with [p]acifier, preemie star T-shirt [and] [P]amper, a pink/[b]lue hospital hat and blanket, [and a] Hospital ID tag.”

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But what will really make you sit up is that in addition to regular miniature newborn dolls and life-sized newborn dolls, the artist also sculpts “memorial pieces,” meaning commissioned replicas of babies who have passed on. In fact, the artist’s first memorial piece was of her own baby daughter. She says, “It only seemed natural – I was sculpting to help me cope with my own grief over the loss of my daugher.” She then progressed to sculpting memorial pieces for other bereaved parents. “[I]t seemed right to take that energy and put it into Art Dolls that were being requested from other familes who walk my path,” she continues.

Even though the artist estimates that a large part of her work – about 85% of her newborn dolls – are memorial pieces, she does not charge for them. She reasons, “It’s not Art for Art’s sake… it’s art for the heart… [H]ow can you put a price tag on something that is priceless? … I am not out there to make money off of your loss.” Instead, she takes a donation to cover the cost of her supplies in making these memorial pieces.

(Link to My Tangible Peace)

Is memory made tangible still memory? At which point does Buadrillard’s simulacrum become the real thing? Rushdie’s Fury, anyone?

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Wednesday, 22 August 2007 Posted by | Pop Culture | 21 Comments

Dolls with a mission

Russian newspapers have been reporting on some dolls that have started appearing in Russian children toy stores. The reason for the flurry of panic? These aren’t just any dolls, but gender-confused dolls. They look like your typical girl dolls with their masses of long blond hair, arched eyebrows, fluttering eyes and rosebud mouths. But when fully undressed, each of these dolls have a perfectly sculpted plastic penis, complete with testicles.

doll1.jpg

Some russians have been perturbed enough to demand that these gender-confused dolls be banned from being sold in Russia. They have even come up with a conspiracy theory claiming that these dolls may have been specically manufactured to be sold in Russia so as to confuse Russian children’s perception of fe/male orientation from an early age.

doll2.jpg

Any surprise then that these gender-confused dolls with a gender-corrupting mission are made in China?

(Link)

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Wednesday, 22 August 2007 Posted by | News, Pop Culture | 5 Comments

Lego man & genie

A while ago, a gigantic 2.5-metre (8-foot), smiling Lego man was rescued from the sea in the Dutch resort of Zandvoort, Amsterdam.

lego.jpg

(Link)

This is almost my childhood dream come true. Giant Lego man out of the sea… almost as good as a genie in a lamp. I wonder if he does wishes too.

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Wednesday, 22 August 2007 Posted by | News, Pop Culture | Leave a comment

What about China, Harry Potter?

If the publishers of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows are worried about translation networks where unofficial translations of Harry Potter are posted onto website networks and then onto peer-to-peer networks that derive profit by attracting advertisers, as they claimed, when they considered suing the 16-year-old ardent Harry Potter fan who translated the book into French on his own, what would they feel about the surge of peculiar Chinese imitations?

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Here are some of the titles of the various Harry Potter counterfeits that have been circulating in China for the last few years:

Harry Potter and the Leopard-Walk- Up-to-Dragon

Harry Potter and the Chinese Porcelain Doll

Harry Potter and the Waterproof Pearl

Harry Potter and the Half-Blooded Relative Prince

Harry Potter and the Big Funnel

Harry Potter and Platform Nine and Three-Quarters

Harry Potter and the Chinese Overseas Students at the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry

Harry Potter and the Showdown

(Link with hilarious excerpts from the publishers’ summaries)

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Thursday, 16 August 2007 Posted by | Literature, News, Pop Culture | Leave a comment

Belated Pottering

Since Theory Of Nothing has been rather slack in updating lately due to a run in with Microsoft Word’s official stand on footnotes (Codename: Tolerance Level 134), today’s update of belated news shall ironically and aptly be about the need for belatedness, especially in the internet world of instant updates.

Eager to share the 7th and last book of the Harry Potter series with the rest of the Francophones, a 16-year-old French boy magically translated all 759 pages of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows within days of its July 21 release and posted it online. The French teen translator was driven by the fact the official French translation would only be released on October 26 by the publishing house, Gallimard Jeunesse, since the official Harry Potter translator, Jean-Francois Menard, only received the official English version when it was released on July 21.

Author J.K. Rowling’s lawyers say networks of other illegal Potter translators span the world, seeking to profit from the boy wizard’s global appeal. However, the French teen translator, a high school student from Aix-en-Provence in southern France, likely had less sinister intentions. “He just wanted to get the book online” and did not appear to be seeking commercial gain, Aix Prosecutor Olivier Rothe said Wednesday. According to Rother, the boy had apparently compiled the entire translation himself.

Indeed, the French teen translator whose name has been withheld because he is a minor, comes across more as an ardent Harry Potter fan who just wanted to share the 7th and final book of the series with the rest of the Francophones before their fun was thwarted by English spoilers declaring the fate of Harry Potter everywhere. Other French teenagers echo his frustration with the long wait for the official translation. Ketty Do, a 17-year-old, flipping through the English version at a bookstore on the Champs-Elysees, delcared, “To wait three months to have a French version, that is too much!” Do called the teen translator “a courageous person” but added, laughing: “Still, I will wait for the official version, since this kid is only 16.” But 12-year-old Robin Gallaud, looking at video games in the bookstore, had no such reservations. “If I find the French version on the Net, I will read it,” he said.

Although the pirated translation site had since been shut down, the French teen translator still spent a night in jail and faced charges of violating intellectual property rights. It was only after worldwide sentiments appeared to be in sympathy with the boy following a maelstrom of negative publicity that the French publishing house, Gallimard Jeunesse – in consultation with JK Rowling – decided to drop charges.

In fact, many French readers already know how “Harry Potter et les reliques de la mort” – as it is titled here – ends. Le Parisien newspaper revealed it in an article it printed upside down.

So far, the remarkable Harry Potter phenomenon set off by the Harry Potter books can boast of having sold more than 325 million copies worldwide, translated into at least 64 languages and spun off into a hit movie series.

(Link, link)

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Thursday, 16 August 2007 Posted by | Literature, News, Pop Culture | Leave a comment

There’s nothing quite like quoting literature…

… especially two bookends-length of it.

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Quote/Unquote Bookends by Eric Janssen

Designed by Eric Janssen, the Quote/Unquote bookends are for the truly literate with books that speak to them in image alone. Concrete core with synthetic rubber exterior.

Dimensions: 2.75” W x 4” D x 6” H
Weight: 2 lbs. each
Price: $89.00 for a pair (USD)

(Link)

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Tuesday, 7 August 2007 Posted by | Literature, Pop Culture | Leave a comment